Fireworks, family, and ‘Fletch’

By Tom FINK

July 05, 2007 07:38 am

— Being a man, it’s in my nature to enjoy watching things blow up — and what better chance to watch things burst into flames, get blown to smithereens and otherwise go “boom” than the Fourth of July.
Oh, I hear some people also use the occasion to celebrate America’s independence, too.
Go figure.
As I go over my plans for this Fourth of July (which will include things blowing up, no doubt), I review my annual checklist on how to make the most of the day, compiled over several years worth of less than stellar celebrations.
•First and foremost, if you’re going to attend a public fireworks display, unless you’re going to make a whole day of it (picnic lunch, lawn chairs, paintballing, cow-tipping, Ninja practice, etc.), show up late — not too late to see the displays, but too late to sit close to the display itself.
If experience has taught me nothing else, it’s taught me that the further you are from where the fireworks are, the closer you are to where you parked. All those people with front row seats? They’ll be the last ones to get home.
•If you’re going to insist on shooting off your own fireworks, wear comfortable shoes and limber up before getting started. I’ve suffered many a groin injury trying to run away from fast-burning fuses.
Believe me, there’s no dignity in having to tell your friends you’re packing yourself with ice, not because of a manly football injury, but because you were trying to escape a “Dancing Butterfly Surprise” display.
•If you’re going to a family reunion and can’t stand your relatives, just remind yourself that you only have to put up with them for one day (excluding Memorial Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Arbor Day, weddings, funerals, birthdays, and vacations).
If you’re going to have a family get-together and CAN stand your relatives, count yourself lucky and look forward to Memorial Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc.
•If you want to have a very, very traditional Independence Day, find someone of British ancestry and shoot them with a musket (you might not want to use actual bullets as this is frowned upon).
If, for some odd reason, you don’t own a musket, dumping tea on a British person works just fine, but keep in mind there are stiff consequences for both actions — better stick with fireworks.
•For lunch — keep it all American — hot dogs, hamburgers, potato chips, apple pie, potato salad, and the like.
Nothing ethnic — you can have Mexican, Chinese and Italian food the other 364 days of the year. This includes “French” fries, “English” muffins, and “Bavarian” waffles, although I have no clue where Bavaria is.
•If it should rain on the Fourth and a picnic or fireworks are out of the question, move the picnic inside and hit up Super Video for “Born on the Fourth of July,” “Independence Day,” “Yankee Doodle Dandy,” “The Patriot,” or “Fletch.”
“Fletch” has nothing to do with our liberation from the British — I just love watching it.
Here’s the thing:
No matter what you do — whether you’re throwing a Frisbee at the lake or a party at your house — reflect on the fact that barely 200 years ago, barely a blip on history’s radar screen, those who went before us on these shores stood against the odds and declared themselves — and their posterity — to be free men.
Regardless of who may be in the White House, or the Oklahoma State Capitol, or the Claremore City Council for that matter, we the people have the freedom to decide who will be governing us.
We don’t have to accept a leader based on his or her bloodline or military muscle.
While democracy may not be a perfect form of government (such a government does not exist), it’s as close as it can get, with a system of checks and balances in place to hopefully prevent those in power from overstepping their place as our leaders.
So, enjoy the Fourth, wear red, white and blue, and take a moment to “proclaim liberty throughout all the land and until all the inhabitants thereof.”
Or something.
As for me, though, I’m just looking forward to the chance to blow something up — something even “Fletch” could appreciate.