HOLLYWOOD—God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The Da Vinci Code opens Friday amid worldwide controversy. It says Jesus married a prostitute. This has to be rebutted or a year from now lobbyists who provided congressmen with hookers will be telling juries they were just doing the Lord’s work.

The Producers, written by Mel Brooks, was released in video stores Tuesday. It is the story of two guys who produce a show about Hitler in an attempt to make a fortune. In the last scene they sell all their Halliburton stock and head for Rio.

The White House restored relations with Libya Monday. They have the sweetest and lightest crude oil in the entire world. Texas Republicans talk about Libyan crude oil the way Hollywood talks about Jack Nicholson’s upstairs cocaine.

U.S. Senator George Allen of Virginia was forced Sunday to recant his love for the Confederate flag, which he displayed on the back of his truck in college. It’s too late. He’s already been added to the list of defendants in the Durham rape case.

Senator Teddy Kennedy’s Cessna was struck by lightning Saturday while he was flying home to Cape Cod from a commencement speech. The senator was outraged. How are the Kennedys supposed to get anywhere when God won’t let them fly or drive?

President Bush’s latest budget calls for NASA to launch a mission to Mars from a base on the moon. His legacy of space exploration is unmatched. During his five years in office he has turned the United States into a satellite of Mexico.

President Bush called for a comprehensive solution to the problem of illegal immigration from Mexico in a speech Monday. It’s a matter of national security. We will never win the war on obesity if we lose access to the Strategic Lettuce Pickers Reserve.

President Bush told the nation Monday that he thinks foreign guest workers should have to carry tamper-proof biometric ID cards. That’s unnecessary. As long as they have a telephone we can watch them night and day.

President Bush demanded in his televised speech Monday that immigrants learn to speak English. He has no credibility on this matter. President Bush telling you to speak English is like Bill Clinton telling you to keep your mind on your work.

Hillary Clinton said Sunday she apologized to her daughter for saying last Thursday that today’s young people don’t want to work. It was the right thing to do. Chelsea’s the only girl in America who left high school with a doctorate in marriage counseling.